"The Price is Right" was in reruns this week, so my TV was on the Senate hearings on Sonia Sotomayor's nomination to the Supreme Court. I must say that I found it a sad spectacle indeed.
Given that her confirmation is all but a foregone conclusion, I was left wondering how each of the 300 Senators on the committee would occupy their allotted 30 minutes asking her questions. I thought that maybe the first couple would get all the good ones out of the way early, and the second half would speed right along with the later questioners just saying "Uh, I was going to ask a question, but someone already did, so, uh, I yield." Boy, was I wrong.
It was only after the first couple of Senators posed their questions that I realized that they did not ask any questions. Like I said, Sotomayor's confirmation is a done deal, so why would you, as a Senator, waste an opportunity to talk for a whole half hour uninterrupted? You wouldn't because you a narcisistic attention whore.
If I were a US Senator, my line of questioning would go something like this:
Chairman of the Committee: We now yield to Senator Fat Kid, from the great state of Arizona.
Sen Fat Kid: Thank you Mr. Chairman. Thank you Judge Sotomayor. Judge, I would like to ask you a few questions....
Judge Sotomayor: OK, Senator
Sen Fat Kid: First of all, how does my hair look? I mean, I hear that the TV can add, like, 10 or 15 pounds. I already have kind of a squash-shaped head, and I just want to know how it looks from your angle. Do I look like a freak?
Judge Sotomayor: Ummmm, what?
Sen. Fat Kid: Judge, I would like to get into some of your opinions, if I could. Specifically on the justice system. First of all, who is lamer: Aquaman or the Wonder Twins?
Judge Sotomayor: Excuse me?
Sen. Fat Kid: I mean, the Wonder Twins had really lame costumes, but most superheroes do, so you can't hold that against them. But when they activated their powers, one would always be something completely weird and helpless, like a roll of duct tape or a glass of water or a lava lamp. And the other would be forced to take the shape of an eagle or of a bulldozer, and have to lug the other (useless) one around. But they did have a monkey, so they have that going for them. But Aquaman, he lived under the ocean. What sorts of crimes ever occur at 10,000 feet below the sea? I'll tell you: none! (*pounds fist on desk*) And Aquaman didn't actually do anything! He just summoned creatures from the deep and had them do all his crime fighting. What kind of "superhero" is that?
Judge Sotomayor: Umm.....
Sen. Fat Kid: I'll tell you what kind: A lame one! (*pounds fist on desk, smiles and poses for cameras*) Now, moving on to your views on freedom of speech.....Does the Congress have the authority under the First Amendment to declare the mullet to be the official hair style of weird dudes who drive Camaros?
Judge Sotomayor: Huh?
Sen. fat Kid: Now, don't play coy with me, Judge. It's a simple question: Can the US Congress codify into law something that we all know to be true - that weird, creepy guys with 'staches and tank tops all drive Camaros and wear mullets? Yes or no?
Judge Sotomayor: What's a mullet?
Sen. Fat Kid: Well played. Finally, one last question. Should the federal government officially recognize David Lee Roth to be the legitimate and true lead singer of Van Halen? Can we simply refuse to establish relations with the Sammy Hagar era and (heaven help us) the Gary Charon fiasco? The American People have a right to know who is going into the studio and out on tour when Van Halen hits the road this summer, do they not Judge Sotomayor?
Judge Sotomayor: Are you mental?
Sen. Fat Kid: Yes. I am. I am mental.....like a fox.
Judge Sotomayor: I think you're mixing your.....
Sen. Fat Kid: I have another one last question, since it seems that I haven't used up all 30 minutes in front of the cameras. Now, you have taken a lot of heat over your comment that a wise Latina judge would come to better decisions than a white male judge. Now, this may surprise you, but I see where you were going with this. I see this very thing all the time.
Judge Sotomayor: You do?
Sen. Fat Kid: Yes! Paula Abdul always makes much more sense than Simon does. He is completely clueless, but she is almost always more empathetic with the contestants. But I still prefer Randy to the others, especially that new fourth judge. She's just a tart I mean she thinks she's such a great singer and all......
Judge Sotomayor: That's not what I meant......
Sen. Fat Kid: But here is where you fail, judge: Paula Abdul is not - contrary to what you have written - a wise Latina because she is not.....wait for it......Latina! Her father was Syrian and her mother Brazilian. So, your theory is completely wrong, and, therefore, I find you unfit to sit on the Supreme Court. Court is adjourned. Bailiff, take her to the holding cell to await processing.
Chairman of the Committee: Senator Fat Kid, you are out of order.
Sen. Fat Kid: I'm out of order?! You're out of order!! The whole system's out of order!!!
Chairmain of the Committee: Somebody please cut the Senator's microphone.
Sen. Fat Kid: You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth!!
*click*
