I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me
With my celebrity status, I knew that sooner or later I would experience the problems that come with stardom. We have all witnessed the more mundane spectacles (Sean Penn beating up photographers, Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra trashing a hotel room) as well as the "What on Earth?!?!" moments (Lohan/Hilton/Spears showing their commando junk to the photographers, Kanye West speaking in public). Well, it finally happened to me. I was forced to call the police recently. I was hoping that the whole incident would be kept private and out of the spotlight, but apparently a tape of my 911 call has been leaked to TMZ.com. So, rather than have that gossip-mill break the story and hog the glory, I thought I would share the transcript here:
Fat Kid: *ring*
911 Operator: 911. What is your emergency?
FK: I need to file for a restraining order.
911: A restraining order? Sounds serious.
FK: You bet it is! I get, like 10 calls a day!
911: Threatening calls?
911: Threatening your life?
FK: Mostly just threatening to hurt me real bad.
911: Any other types of calls?
FK: Sometimes she just and asks where I am and when I will be home.
911: Sounds creepy. Has this person ever tried to make physical contact?
FK: Yes. She's always at my house. Sometimes she even comes to my work.
911: Wow. What sorts of threats have you received?
FK: Well, today it was "If you don't pick your dirty socks off the bathroom floor, I am going to give them to the dogs to play with."
911: Ummm....That's an odd threat
FK: And yesterday it was "The next time you drink the last of the milk, throw the bottle in the garbage instead of putting it back in the fridge."
911: Sir, that's not really a threat
FK: It was an implied threat. I could see it in her eyes. You had to be there.
911: Sir, is this your wife that you are talking about?
FK: Well, yeah.
911: I'm sorry, but you can't file.....
FK: Can't I just get a temporary order? Like, from 8:00 AM until 5:00 PM so that she can't call me at work.
FK: Yeah, you're right. One that is good all day and night is better, That way, when I get home and she starts to tell me about how I left a mess in the garage again, I can point menacingly at the restraining order and she'll have to leave me alone, right?
911: Sir, if I might offer a suggestion.
FK: What's that? I tried getting a dog to protect me, but he's no good and always takes her side in everything. I tell you that little mutt is useless......
911: Try cleaning up after yourself once in awhile. And stop calling 911.