The Fat Kid Vs. ACORN
If you follow the news, you may have heard about a pair of investigative filmmakers who went undercover with hidden cameras, visiting a number of ACORN offices. The filmmakers pretended that they were pimp and prostitute, and tried to the get community organizing outfit to give them advice on getting government money to buy a house, which they wanted to use as a brothel. When the employees them all kinds of tips on avoiding the IRS and getting a loan, the pair upped the ante and sought help on importing a dozen or so underage El Salvadoran illegal aliens to work in the brothel. Unfazed by the shocking request, the ACORN-ites advised them to claim the girls as dependents and offered advice on avoiding detection by The Man.
A great many people reacted with horror and amazement at the videos.
I did not.
In fact, my first reaction to the pair was "posers." See, the Fat Kid already did his own investigation into ACORN. He knew that the group has very close ties to President Obama and that federal money was sure to come pouring into the group since, after all, Obama is a Chicago politician and that's how Chicago politics works. Having lived in Chicago, I knew that I had a better chance of my chihuahua crapping gold nuggets than ACORN did of not cashing in on its connections. So, my first thought was "How can I get me some of that money?"
I put together my own undercover costume and visited my local ACORN office. A transcript of my conversation is below.
ACORN worker (AW): Good morning. How can I help you?
Fat Kid: Yo yo! What up, yo?!
FK: Word up. I heard a rumor that you all are about to be flush with that federal stimulus money, and I thought I'd come down here and see how I could score me some of that cabbage.
FK: Fo' shizzle You know, some of that money Washington is throwing around.
AW: OK. We do try to connect the community with federal resources that are available.....
FK: Resources. That's what I want.
AW: What exactly did you have in mind?
FK: Well, see I'm a regular, how you say, entrepreneur. I have my hands in all sorts a stuff.
FK: First, I thought I could help you with them, you know, illegal aliens, and getting them plugged into the system and voting and stuff.
AW: Well, ummm, we already have programs that help undocumented workers participate in the system.
FK: Yeah, you guys got the folks from Mexico and all that covered, yo, but you've ignored a whole population that could be working for you.
AW: And who would that be?
FK: Why, Klingons, of course.
FK: They're aliens. And they don't ever vote. Plus I speak the language. "vaD jIH joq Hegh!!!"
AW: What did you just call me?
FK: I said "Vote for me or die!" See, I also speak Teamster, so I got all your bases covered.
AW: I don't think......
FK: "jIH rur Huch!!!!" It means "I like money." I also speak Beltway. I'm versatile.
AW: I really don't think there are enough Klingons to make this a worthwhile project.
FK: OK, how about this: I have a whole library of books that I had to read when I was a kid. Today's youths don't want to read all that stuff, so how's about I translate it into today's language and, you know, update them? You feelin' me?
AW: What books did you have in mind?
FK: Did you ever read "Little Women?"
AW: It was one of my favorites when I was a little girl.
FK: Well, I've already translated, with a new title and everything.
AW: New title?
FK: "Hood Rats." Catchy, huh?
AW: Actually, no.
FK: How about my retelling of "For Whom The Bell Tolls" I call it "Yo, G! Answer Your Phone!!!"
FK: I rewrote "Lord of the Rings." I call it "King of Da Bling." You think Hollywood would be interested in making a series of movies based on the books? Maybe I could get a producer credit. I'd be rollin' VIP, huh?
AW: Sir, if I may interrupt. You strike me either as a suburban white guy trying very hard to sound like a pimp from the 'hood or else as someone who just escaped from the mental ward. Either way, kindly stay right here while I make a few phone calls.
FW: Wow. Look at the time. I gotta fly.