October 2009 Archives

A few hours later, we found out that it all was a hoax, as Falcon was discovered hiding in the attic above the garage. Like everybody else, my mood quickly soured and turned into uncontrollable rage.  "What's wrong with that kid?  Doesn't he know that the next time a six year old child really is carried off by a home made flying saucer and sent racing through the stratosphere in low-earth orbit, nobody's going to care, since we'll all believe it's fake?  Where are my torch and pitchfork?!?!"

Then something happened.

As any good investigative journalist would, I did a little digging into the Heene family.  Apparently, this is not the clan's first brush with notoriety.  The Heenes were featured on "Wife Swap" not once, but twice.  Check this video out.  It's 9 minutes long but well worth the investment.  If you don't have that kind of time to devote, just watch the first 45 seconds, during which we learn that Falcon's dad is a "fringe scientist" (that's Hollywood speak for "cuckoo for Coco Puffs") who is trying to prove that humans all descended from aliens.

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They tried to throw some technicalities at me, like "You don't even play football, let alone start for a Super Bowl-calibre NFL team."  Clearly they did not recognize the gravity of my argument.  So, I pointed to the television and shared with them the story that lit the fuse, inspiring me to seek out this lofty prize.

See, you don't get to become The Fat Kid without watching a ton of television and eating lots of snack food (they don't give this job to just anyone - you have to earn it!) and in between reruns of "I Love Lucy" (it was the episode in which Lucy concocts some crazy scheme and it goes totally awry and Ricky comes home, sees the mayhem, gets angry, and starts shouting in Spanish, and Lucy ends up wailing.  You know  the one I am talking about, right?) and "Sponge Bob Squarepants", I managed to catch part of a news story.  Apparently, our esteemed President Obama has won some sort of award.  

The Nobel Peace Prize, to be exact.

I have heard of this award, but I wasn't quite sure, so I did a little research.  I thought maybe I had learned about it when they awarded it to Mahatma Gandhi.  Oops.  My bad.  He never won it.  "Too much of a political figure" the Nobel Committee claimed.  I discovered that in order to be considered for the 2009 award, one must have been nominated no later than February 1.  That was less than two weeks into the Obama Administration, hardly enough time to unpack the moving boxes and pick out drapes, let alone win a Nobel Peace Prize.  The Nobel people claimed that they were awarding the honor not based upon Obama's past accomplishments, but rather on his future potential to do good.

I figured that if the Nobel Committee can award the Peace Prize to a guy who had done nothing in his life to deserve the honor (and, to his credit, the President stated in his acceptance speech that he had not yet earned the Peace Prize) and had simply won an election, why couldn't I follow suit?  I stated my case and seemed to be getting nothing but resistance from those pinheads at the NFL offices (all they cared about was "stats" and "accomplishments" and I was all, like, "whatever, dudes") when I whipped out the old "potential" argument that worked for Obama.  "Compare Kurt Warner and me," I told them.  "Kurt has won a Super Bowl and two league MVP trophies.  He has thrown for 300 yards or more in nearly half his starts, which is most in the league, while the next closest guy has only done it in one quarter of all his games.  I, on the other hand, have done jack diddly squat in my life, unless you count playing video games and making rude noises.  Kurt's already played his hand.  What else can he accomplish?  How much better can he possibly get?  What potential does he still have?  None.  Nada.  Zero.  While I have nothing but potential.  Lots and lots of potential."

Yes, lots of potential.  And that, as we all know, is waaaaaay better than accomplishments.  Just ask the Nobel Peace Prize Committee.

But a few weeks ago, I learned of a group of progressive-thinking students at the University of Florida. Their efforts to prepare the masses to cope, survive, and even thrive after a disaster changed my whole perception of the state.  I am talking, of course, about the U of F's Zombie Survival Plan.  It was a very thorough document, dispelling such misconceptions as using garlic and sunlight to combat zombies (those only work against vampires.  If you thought it was soooo obvious that garlic would not thwart a zombie, remember that these were people who had trouble filling out a ballot).  It gave me hope for the younger generation.  "These guys get it," I thought to myself as I pored over the plan.  "Everybody should read this."

Then it was gone.  Vanished.

Apparently, the powers-that-be at the university - probably under pressure from The Umbrella Corporation - pulled the document from the school's website.

Never fear, gentle reader, for The Fat Kid has seen, like, a jillion zombie movies and can use what he has observed in these flicks to offer you insight into planning your survival after the undead rise and civilization falls.

Rule #1: You should find a group of misfits to align yourself with.  The group should include a crazy redneck who's (obviously) well-armed and likes to shoot at anything that moves, hootin' and hollerin' while he launches projectiles from his over-sized pickup truck.  It should also include an athletic woman with a mysterious past.  At first you discount her as the first one to go, but as the movie, errrr, time goes by, she'll emerge as a real badass.  Also essential is the lone wolf dude, who invariably will be in constant conflict with the badass chick, until they profess their love for one another (usually right before one of them is abducted by the zombies and the carried off and - inexplicably - left uneaten and still alive when your group mounts a rescue).  The sleazy lawyer/businessman guy with a shirt and tie, who always wants to be in charge when he's clearly incapable of being in charge is also a must.  He will be the first one eaten.  The fat dude who has never fired a gun before in his life but probably can figure out how to bypass any security system is a nice accessory to have.  He usually provides comic relief, and you aren't really sure if he will make it to the end.  Of course, the group will have more members, but they will all be zombie fodder and won't make it to the final stand.

Rule #2: Forget armored vehicles - your group must travel in a school bus or similar, impossible to defend vehicle.  This provides an opportunity for some "Oh no, we're surrounded by zombies!" action scenes, as well as a convenient way to reduce the size of your group by having the zombie fodder people eaten when the bus gets ambushed.

Rule #3: When you encounter zombies wanting to eat you, shoot a hundred bullets into their torsos and then yell to your companions "They're still coming!"  Whatever you do, do not aim for the head.  That would be way too easy.

Rule #4: When it's dark, everyone is asleep, and you hear a noise outside, make sure you don't wake anybody up and alert them.  Instead go outside by yourself, unarmed, carrying only a flashlight, and call out "Is anyone there?" while you wander further and further from safety.  It's probably just the wind.

Rule #5: When you encounter another group of humans, check to see if any or all of them fit into the categories listed in rule #1 and can be plugged into your group.  If they don't - or if your group already has the proper slots filled - then this new group is most likely a motorcycle gang who likes to attack and torture other humans.  Avoid them if you can, which (of course) you can't, so you'll have to fight them.  After you defeat them, you'll find something of value that is the key to your survival.

Rule #6: One of your group will engage in hand to hand combat with a zombie and get injured.  He will hide the injury and deny that anything is wrong.  But over the next few days he will get sick and start the process of zombification.  Do what they do in all the movies and pretend not to notice.  Simply ask him "Are you feeling OK?"  He will reply that he is, but then at a key moment will start to attack you.  At that point, act surprised and shoot him. By this time, you'll have figured out to aim for the head. 

Rule #7: By the time you make a last stand, your group will have dwindled in number to just a handful.  The sleazy lawyer/businessman will be long gone, as will the crazy redneck.  Most of the zombie fodder will also be gone, but there will be a few left (including the fat dude) to make the last stand more interesting.  Instead of going to an armored, defensible facility, head to the nearest shopping mall, roadside motel, or deep-in-the-woods cabin.  Whatever you do, make sure that the only thing standing between you and a horde of flesh-starved zombies is a bunch of wooden planks and nails, as these are easily torn off as the army of the undead pour into your fortress.  One of the fodder people will stand too close to the door as it is compromised and will be immediately grabbed by a hundred hands.  Let him go.  It will buy you time to head out the back door secret escape - usually into an air duct or down into the sewer, where you will be pursued by only one or two zombies, which you will easily dispatch.  Forget asking yourself why the hungry horde did not try to enter through this back way and instead opted for the front door.  All that matters is that you escape out this back way.

Rule #8: Civilization is over.  Make the most of it.