All Rise....

I excel at a great many things.  You want someone to keep your seat warm for you while you go see a man about a horse?  I am your guy.  Need someone to show you how to run a post pattern?  Call me.  Have a question about 80's pop culture?  I am all over it.  Confused about what is happening on "Lost"?  No problem.

Although my skills are vast and my understanding broad, one thing I would be very, very bad at is a daytime TV judge.  I would not have the patience to sit there while Yahoo #1 yammers on and on about how Yahoo #2 did her wrong.  And I wouldn't have the fortitude to tell Yahoo #2 to zip her pie hole while Yahoo #1 finishes her statement.  No wonder Judge Judy is so grouchy. (As an aside, I'd also make a very, very bad court reporter.  They don't use real keyboards, you know.  They have a keyboard that looks like it only has one key, and they have some sort of secret code that you have to translate back into English when the judge wants something read back.  Knowing me, I'd probably be daydreaming and pondering why the words "mullet" and "bullet" don't rhyme, and the judge would ask me to read something back, and I'd try to wing it, pulling out what I could from memory and "yada yada"ing the rest. I'd probably end up in jail for contempt of court.)


If you watch a lot of TV (like I do - that's why I am so smart), you'd detect a pattern to these courtroom shows.  Almost all of them fall into a small handful of categories.  The largest group of cases involve some young woman suing her former boyfriend because she bought him a car/paid for his rent/posted his bail/paid to get his car out of impound, and then she finds him with another woman and dumps him.  He claims it was a gift, while she says it was a loan.  Of course she doesn't have a signed agreement that it was a loan, and of course he claims that he repaid the debt, but he can't produce a receipt, and claims that even though he repaid the debt, it was still a gift, and besides all that, there was this one time that she didn't have enough money to cover her share at Chuck E. Cheese, so he got his friend Biff to give him enough money for her share, so that should negate the loan she made to him.

Case after case, plaintiff after plaintiff, verdict after verdict, it is always the same: some knucklehead is being taken to court because someone was stupid enough to entrust him with money and/or possessions. And said knucklehead tries to weasel his out of it by spewing out some nonsense.

In the Fat Kid's Court, he wouldn't tolerate any nonsense.  A typical case would probably go like this:

(Voice over announcer) Now entering the courtroom is Betty, who is suing her ex-boyfriend because she claims he never repaid her when she paid for his parking tickets.  She also is suing for pain and suffering.  (Dramatic music) This is Bubba Joe.  He claims that Betty gave him the money as a gift, and that Betty is a stalker.  He is counter suing because,well, he is a nimrod. (More dramatic music).

Bailiff: All rise for the Honorable Judge Fat Kid

Judge Fat Kid (JFK): I think I read your complaint.  Maybe I didn't.  But since all these cases are essentially the same, let's, for the sake of argument, just say I did and move on.  Now, Betty you are suing Bubba over some parking tickets.  Is that correct?

Betty: Yes, your honor.

JFK: And Bubba, you claim that this was a gift.

Bubba:: That's right.

JFK: Now, Betty, how long have you known Bubba?

Betty: About six months.  We met while I was visiting my brother in prison....

JFK: Prison?

Betty: Correct.  He is currently incarcerated at Pelican Bay.

JFK: Is Bubba a corrections officer there?

Betty: No.  He was an inmate, and he was getting released while I was there, and he asked me for a cigarette and a ride home, and he looked so cute in his mullet and Night Ranger T shirt that I couldn't resist.

JFK: And how long after you met did he ask you for money to pay for these parking  tickets?

Betty: Well, let's see..he moved in with me after about a month.  So, I would say....about a month.

JFK: And, Bubba, how many parking tickets did Betty pay for you?

Bubba: About 10 or so.

JFK: Wow.  That's a lot.

Bubba: Well, the Eye Full Club doesn't have a big parking lot, and there's this fire hydrant...

JFK: Excuse me, but "The Eye Full Club?"

Bubba: it's a gentleman's club.

JFK: A gentleman's club?  Like guys sitting around in top hats and monocles, talking about cattle futures and how hard it is to find good help?

Bubba: Ummmm, no.  Like the other kind.

JFK: You mean like a strip club?

Bubba: Yeah.  I just went in there to use the phone because my car had broken down, and when I came out 3 hours later, I had a ticket.

JFK: Ten times?

Bubba: My car breaks down a lot.

JFK: And, Betty, you paid these tickets?

Betty: Yes, your honor.

JFK: And you are also suing for pain and suffering?

Betty: Yes.  My neighbor Agnes told me that I should because she said that's where the big money is.

JFK: (puts face in palm) And are you still seeing Bubba romantically?

Betty: No, sir.  I broke it off with him when I found him and our neighbor making out in the back seat of my car.

JFK: Your car?

Betty: Yes, sir.  His car was impounded, and so he said he needed to borrow my car so that he could drive me to work.

JFK: To drive himself to work?

Betty: No, to drive me to work.  Bubba don't work.  He's got a bad back.

JFK: So, let me get this straight: You pay for his tickets, you give him your car, you support him all those months....

Betty: Yes, sir

JFK: And you never once noticed that he was a fat loser with no means of support?

Betty: No, sir, I didn't.

JFK: OK.  I have come to a decision.  I award you one jillion dollars and order you to only date men with jobs.  Now, a jillion dollars sounds like a lot of money, but you'll never collect a penny of it unless Bubba manages to find a girl with that much money to mooch off of.  And Bubba....

Bubba: Yes, your honor?

JFK: I find you guilty of aggravated stupidity and crimes against fashion,  I order you to watch 50 hours of Masterpiece Theatre (or some other suitable high brow show that you can't understand anything they say even thought they are speaking English).  Court is adjourned.

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This page contains a single entry by Louis Core published on January 6, 2010 3:56 PM.

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