It's hard for me to believe, but two of my precious babies have morphed into teenagers. Now that they are old enough to date, I felt it was my duty as their father to help them vis-a-vis trying to figure out members of the opposite sex. Specifically, I thought they would need help interpreting what the other sex is telling them. Having been the object of much scorn from many girls/women in years past, I have heard it all, even though it took me years to decode it all. So, rather than allowing my offspring to experience all this for themselves, I have compiled a glossary of common phrases that they might hear and what their true meanings are.
We need to talk means: I am dumping you
It's not you, it's me: It's you
I am soooooo over my ex: I am soooooo still in love with my ex
I don't know where to begin: I have been cheating on you
We should start seeing other people: I have already started seeing other people
I am not quite sure what my feelings are right now : I have been cheating on you with this really hot guy/girl
I think I just need my space for awhile: I mean, really, really hot
Thank you for being so patient with me while I sort my feelings out: Thanks for buying me dinners and keeping me company while I wait for this guy/girl I am crushing on to become available
I love you, but I'm just not in love with you: I am too lazy to even try to make up something original
I just want to be friends: I want to be the kind of friends who never see each other, call each other, send each other birthday presents, or even acknowledge each other is alive. I want to be that kind of friend
You will always be dear to me: Are you still here? Why? Take off already!
You are too good for me and I am just standing in your way: I think you are so stupid that you will believe anything I say, no matter how idiotic
