This Blog Post Will Self-Destruct In Fifteen Seconds
The other day I was in my car when I heard something that caught me completely by surprise - a commercial encouraging people to apply to work at the CIA. Yes, that CIA. Apparently, there just aren't enough people working at Langley and they need more. While I was shocked that they would be advertising and that they would be running ads on a pop radio station geared to young people, what surprised me the most was just how cool I thought it would be to work for the CIA.
Think about it. You could apply to do any menial job there - mail room floor sweeper, doggy pooper scooper, part time lunch lady - and claim that your job is "highly classified." When someone asks you what you do for a living, you could even use the line "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." Seriously, who hasn't been dying to try that one out? Unless you're an NFL player or a rock star, nobody gives a crap when you tell them what you do for a living. If you tell them that you worked for the CIA, however, they might sit up and take notice.
But it doesn't end there. The built-in veil of secrecy could come in handy when you get yourself into a jam. Out all night with the boys on a drunken and wild cow tipping road trip? No you weren't. You were "on assignment. You know, for The Company." And of course you couldn't call because you were under deep cover. Invited to a multi-level marketing presentation at your cousin Vinnie's house? Can't make it because you'll be "doing a job" out of the country. Thanksgiving at Aunt Matilda's? Not for you. You'll be "out in the field."
But what if people don't believe you? What if they suspect that you're just making it all up to cover your tracks? Simple. Just show them your pay stub. Like this one:
With all those selling points, it's hard to imagine anyone not wanting to work for the CIA. Of course, there's the having to sit on the park bench telling people "The raven wears green underpants," looking for your contact. And when puzzled passer-by after puzzled passer-by says "huh?" you'd have to say "Never mind. I'm an idiot." over and over again. But if you're like me, you probably say that a lot so it's no big deal. And there's the chance that some foreign intelligence agency might want to kill or kidnap you. Then again, if it's someplace cool like Tahiti or Australia, you might not mind being kidnapped.
I am seriously considering sending in my application. When they hire me, I'll ask to be put on special assignment spying on Hostess or maybe Papa John's, maybe as a deep-cover operative, working inside the company and sampling all the products. I think I am going to start preparing my cover right now.