I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me

With my celebrity status, I knew that sooner or later I would experience the problems that come with stardom.  We have all witnessed the more mundane spectacles (Sean Penn beating up photographers, Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra trashing a hotel room) as well as the "What on Earth?!?!" moments (Lohan/Hilton/Spears showing their commando junk to the photographers, Kanye West speaking in public).  Well, it finally happened to me.  I was forced to call the police recently.  I was hoping that the whole incident would be kept private and out of the spotlight, but apparently a tape of my 911 call  has been leaked to TMZ.com.  So, rather than have that gossip-mill break the story and hog the glory, I thought I would share the transcript here:

Fat Kid: *ring*

911 Operator: 911.  What is your emergency?

FK: I need to file for a restraining order.

911: A restraining order?  Sounds serious.

FK: You bet it is!  I get, like 10 calls a day!

911: Threatening calls?

FK: Occasionally

911: Threatening your life?

FK: Mostly just threatening to hurt me real bad.

911: Any other types of calls?

FK:  Sometimes she just and asks where I am and when I will be home.

911: Sounds creepy.  Has this person ever tried to make physical contact?

FK: Yes.  She's always at my house.  Sometimes she even comes to my work.

911: Wow. What sorts of threats have you received?

FK: Well, today it was "If you don't pick your dirty socks off the bathroom floor, I am going to give them to the dogs to play with."

911: Ummm....That's an odd threat

FK: And yesterday it was "The next time you drink  the last of the milk, throw the bottle in the garbage instead of putting it back in the fridge."

911: Sir, that's not really a threat

FK: It was an implied threat.  I could see it in her eyes.  You had to be there.

911: Sir, is this your wife that you are talking about?

FK: Well, yeah.

911: I'm sorry, but you can't file.....

FK: Can't I just get a temporary order?  Like, from 8:00 AM until 5:00 PM so that she can't call me at work.

911: Sir.....

FK: Yeah, you're right.  One that is good all day and night is better,  That way, when I get home and she starts to tell me about how I left a mess in the garage again, I can point menacingly at the restraining order and she'll have to leave me alone, right?

911: Sir, if I might offer a suggestion.

FK: What's that?  I tried getting a dog to protect me, but he's no good and always takes her side in everything.  I tell you that little mutt is useless......

911: Try cleaning up after yourself once in awhile.  And stop calling 911.

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Louis Core published on September 30, 2009 12:00 PM.

Guns Don't Kill People. God Does. was the previous entry in this blog.

Whoopi Goldberg Is An Idiot-Idiot is the next entry in this blog.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.