July 2010 Archives

Things That Make You Go..."What The Heck?!?!" - Part II

Some people just don't have a strong grasp on reality.  Take, for example, the band Radiohead.  While technically not serial killers, they don't quite see things the way normal people do.  They recently announced that they would never again be performing their first and biggest hit "Creep" live in concert.  Likewise, A Flock of Seagulls front man Mike Score proclaimed during a television interview that he hates that band's huge hit "I Ran" and wishes that he would never have to sing it again.  He said that too many fans only come to the shows to hear that one song and fail to appreciate the rest of the A Flock of Seagulls catalogue. And Liam Gallagher of Oasis fame has been loud and proud telling people how little he cares for "Wonderwall" - you know, Oasis's most popular song.


When I was in college, Counting Crows was just getting popular, on the heels of the release of their first single "Mr. Jones."  When they came to Chicago to play the Horizon, guess which song didn't make the set list?  Yeah, their one and only hit.  These chuckleheads trashing the very songs that made them rich and famous (and, apparently, clueless) would be like Michael Jordan telling people to stop talking about his basketball skills and that he is sick of people only wanting to see him play.  I wonder how many tickets the Baja Men would sell to a show promoted as "The Baja Men, who will NOT be performing 'Who Let The Dogs Out'?"  Some advice for Mr. Score and the rest of the Flock: You should open up your show with "I Ran", play it a couple more times, close the show with it and then come back and do it as an encore.  And then thank your fans for loving the song so much that they would pay to see a moldy 80's band live, even though they haven't been hip since day glow, thin ties, and parachute pants were all the rage.

Speaking of music turning the brain to mush....Apparently I need to hurry up and finish putting all of my thoughts on my blog before, you know, the internet ceases to exist.  Because the artist formerly known as "The Artist Formerly Known As 'Prince'" has seen the future and can share with us that the internet is sooooooo yesterday, approaching its expiration date.  Yeah.  Just like the internal combustion engine, jet flight, and frozen foods, this whole internet thing is just a passing fad.


But brain dead rock stars aren't the only ones a few fries short of a Happy Meal.  Some yahoo recently threw $45,000 away on a set of Marilyn Monroe's x rays.  You read that right.  X rays.  As in: black and white rendering of hard tissues taken in order to diagnose disease.  There is no distinguishing, unique, or identifying feature on the x rays that would cause one to ask "Say, isn't that a thoracic film of Marilyn Monroe?  I'd recognize that solar plexus anywhere!  And that clavicle is really one of a kind!"  Instead, one might take a passing look at it and remark "Boy does Callista Flockhart look different without makeup."  If people are willing to pay big money for some films of dead celebrities - films whose authenticity is impossible to verify and whose characteristics are indistinguishable from any other x rays - they may want to take a peek at my new E Bay listings.  I have some dental shots of Moses, a hand-wrist film of Christopher Columbus, and a lateral ceph of Alexander the Great that would be the envy of collectors anywhere.  The listings expire next week - that is, assuming the internet is still around.

Things That Make You Go..."What The Heck?!?!"

I am back from my hiatus, just in time to read that Mel Gibson decided that he didn't alienate enough people by getting drunk and going on an anti-Semitic tirade and that he should get drunk and rail against blacks as well.  Just to make sure that everyone got the message that he is a complete tool, he decided to throw in a few death threats and sexually disgusting comments, with some misogyny to wrap things up nice and tight. 


Seeing the story make me sit and ponder "What on earth is he thinking?"

But before he could answer, I read about John Mark Karr, the guy who claimed to have killed JonBenet Ramsey, and his fresh legal troubles.  A former fiancee' (aged nineteen) accused the teacher of pressuring her to find little girls who would become members of a Karr-centered cult.  Only, Karr is now known as Delia Alexis Reich.  Oh, and he dresses like a woman but is still really a man.


Where oh where to begin?

First of all, what possesses a person to publicly confess to a heinous crime that he did not commit?  He had to know that all sorts of scorn would be heaped upon him for the murder, as JonBenet was all of six years old when she was sexually assaulted and strangled in her own home on Christmas Eve.  And he also had to understand that the physical evidence would not jibe with his tale and that he would be proven, eventually, to not have been involved in the crime.  A more efficient legal system might have drawn and quartered this freak before he had the chance to be proven "innocent."  But this being the civilized world and all, the Colorado legal system had to go through the motions of determining whether Karr/Reich is a cold-blooded child murderer or a self-absorbed attention whore who would exploit the grief of the Ramseys to have the whole world pay attention to him, however briefly. Sadly, Colorado does not provide the death penalty for the latter, so Karr/Reich was released.

Secondly, what kind of woman finds herself attracted to this kind of guy?  If there is one man on all the planet who should not be able to find a date, it would be John Mark Karr.  But, no.  He apparently has quite a few female fans.  So do many serial killers on death row.  Some of these men awaiting their executions actually find women on the outside to marry.  Scott Peterson, convicted of murdering his wife and unborn child, was on death row scarcely an hour when his first marriage proposal came in.  His first day at the prison, the warden received three dozen phone calls from female admirers, asking for his mailing address.  (I know a lot of you old timers are thinking to yourself "Back in my day, the serial killers and mass murderers asked the women to marry them, not the other way around!"  Yes, things change and this younger generation has no respect for the old ways.)

Let's say that you are some lonely woman and you strike up a "relationship" with a murderer on death row and eventually marry the guy.  How does that work?  When you go to Wal-Mart and do your bridal registry, what does that look like?  "Cartons of smokes (good for bartering), Dull-tipped knife sets (will pass through security check but can later be sharpened down and used as a shank), Balloons, small (useful for smuggling in drugs)"?  And after you tie the knot, do you show your friends of pictures of yourself in a lei when you honeymoon all by yourself in Hawaii?  When people ask you "What does your husband do?" do you answer "Time"?  And what if one day he gets released and he is no longer the scandalous but distant bad boy who gives you notoriety and attention, but is the ex-con sleeping under your roof?  He killed a whole bunch of people to earn that trip to death row and being confined in a ten by ten cell for the past twenty years hasn't exactly afforded him much opportunity to develop healthy interpersonal skills.  So, you do what any good wife would do and try to get him sent back to prison.  Send him to the store for a pack of cigarettes and tell him to rob the place while he's out.  If he gets away with it, you get free cigarettes and maybe some Choc-O-Diles.  If he gets killed or (better yet) sent back to prison, you are safe while still holding onto that air of notoriety.  It's a real win-win.

But what if things don't work out between you two when he gets released from jail?  If you decide to file for divorce, what sort of argument could you make to the judge?  "He's just not the man I married?  He's cold and emotionally distant?  He doesn't show me that he loves me often enough?"  Helloooooooo.  You married a serial killer!  

What are these women thinking?!

To be continued...

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This page is an archive of entries from July 2010 listed from newest to oldest.

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