September 2010 Archives

Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard

So, the other day I was walking through the grocery store. I happened upon the cold cuts aisle, stopping just long enough to ponder my many choices of luncheon meat, when one particular type of ham caught my eye. It was labeled Oscar Mayer Honey Cured Ham. I began to ponder: what sort of disease was this ham cured of? Would I want to take a chance eating ham that had been infected with something even if it had been cured? Is it wrong for me to be prejudiced against previously-sick lunch meat, because, after all, the package said it had been cured?  And just what sort of disease can be cured with honey? Ah! That is the key isn't it?

My brain began to churn as it only can when focused on food. If whatever disease had infected this ham could be cured with honey, might there be more diseases also curable with other sweet, delicious confections? What about M&Ms? Is there some sort of malady or affliction that can be remedied by the regular and copious ingestion of M&Ms? I mean, other than skinniness, that is. After all, there has to be a reason why my friends and I refer to this wonderful creation as "Vitamin M," doesn't there?


And if I had just been so lucky...errrrr... I mean unfortunate to contract a disease that is only treatable by M&Ms, would I ever want to be fully cured? I think not. I can totally see myself becoming one of those chronic, hypochondriac, malingerers, calling my doctor five or six or seven times a day to tell him that my dosing is all wrong and that I need need more.  Of course, he would try to tell me that I was crazy or that I was cured or that I should stop following him and calling him at all hours of the evening. But really? Who's the expert here?  That's right: I am.

In the end, I opted for smoked turkey. Because, if you stop and think about it, smoking kills. So I automatically knew what killed this turkey: smoking. I don't know what killed that ham. I mean, sure it was sick, but it had been cured right? I thought it best not to take any chances with the pork. And just to be safe I picked up a big old bag of M&Ms on my way out. You can never be too careful.

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