We are under attack. A relentless, non-stop attack. Our foes do not speak our language nor do they care to. They don't look like us, act like us, think like us, behave like us, or even like us. For far too long we have turned a collective blind eye to the problem, either pretending it will go away on its own or kidding ourselves that it only affects other people. We need to stop hiding our heads in the sands and wake up. We need to fight back hard using all our available weapons before we are overrun by our enemies.
I am referring, of course, to the Simian Menace.
Monkey attacks on humans are at an all-time high. The deputy mayor of New Delhi was recently killed by a marauding band of Rhesus macaques. He was sitting on his balcony, reading his paper, probably wondering what sort of mischief Marmaduke had gotten himself into, when suddenly the bloodthirsty primates tossed him to the street. But it didn't end there. Worshipers at a Shiva temple in the area of the deputy mayor's murder describe how they are regularly attacked by these godless cretins, and even have their cell phones stolen.
And it isn't just happening in India. The Simian Menace has been reported in Gibraltar, Thailand, South Africa, Kenya, Tanzania, Saudi Arabia, as well as many other places. A gentle practicer of the martial arts in China tried to rehabilitate some monkeys by teaching them Tae Kwon Do. How did they respond? By channeling their energies into spreading peace and harmony with humans? No. They beat their instructor up using their new fighting skills, even clobbering the guy with a stick. Great! Now we have some pissed off monkeys running around and they know how to fight. Officials are not sure if these assaults on humans are part of a larger coordinated effort to rule the world, but simple deductive reasoning can fill in those blanks.
Quick! Name the first monkey that pops into your head. "King Kong!" you say. "He's an ape, not really a monkey, but that's OK because they're all part of the Simian Menace" I would reply. A giant (probably steroid-injecting) ape who steals women and tries to destroy New York City. Definitely a bad guy.
How about the second most famous monkey/ape? Mojo Jojo, obviously. He was always trying to destroy Townsville and kept the Powerpuff Girls extremely busy thwarting his evil plans. Plus, he's always referring to himself in the third person, which makes him a complete tool as well. So far the ledger of famous monkeys is: Really bad guys: 2. Good guys: 0.
We could go on and on (the evil little monkey in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" who stole Indiana Jones's gun, General Thade from the remake of "Planet of the Apes") but it would simply re-enforce what we already know: they're mad because we evolved and they didn't.
In retrospect, we should not be at all surprised that they have organized and are waging war on us. They've been openly hostile to humans for as long as we've been able to articulate the words "poop-flinging monkey." Does any other creature treat us so poorly? Would it be even possible to muster the words "poop-flinging giraffe"? And the famous Trunk Monkey is a natural fit. We'd never even imagine a Trunk Puppy, would we?
